When A Heart Breaks

When a Heart Breaks- Ben Rector

Woke up this morning

And I heard the news

I know the pain of a heartbreak

I don’t have answers 

And neither do you

I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn’t easy

This isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus

Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor

But what did he say

I knew I was fine about this time yesterday

I don’t need answers

I just need some peace

I just need someone who could help me get some sleep

Who could help me get some sleep

This isn’t easy

This isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus

Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

This isn’t easy

This isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus

Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

Funny that the first time I heard this song, I thought, "Wow...it sounds like Ben Rector had a miscarriage." 

Ben rector didn't*, but I did. 

And though our hearts are broken, we both cherish the 10 weeks we had with that little one growing inside me. We had so much fun telling our families and celebrating Christmas. We dreamt about Christmas 2013, which would have been our baby's first Christmas. December 30 all of our dreams were crushed when we learned that our baby did not have a heartbeat. Three agonizing weeks later, my pregnancy finally came to an excruciating end. A friend of mine said that the moment that you decide to have children your heart is forever changed. My heart is forever changed because of the life and death of our first child.  

The Lord has been so near to us during this time. I have hardly been able to find the words to pray to move toward him, but the beauty of the gospel isn't that I move toward him, it's that he moves toward me in my brokenness. In times when my heart couldn't even form the words, I been lifted by those in my community who have ceaselessly prayed for us. I haven't spent much time in the word in the last few months, but have been more honest and closer to the Lord than I have ever felt.  

 For some reason, God saw fit to have our baby bypass this broken world all together and bring it straight to Heaven. I long for the New Heavens and New Earth where someday I will hopefully meet our child there. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.  

*Ben Rector is married...so his wife might have ha a miscarriage. Or...that song could totally not be about miscarriage at all. For me though, it is.  

Crunchy

Here we are...One Crunchy Family*. 

We're crunchy because we do things a little different around Casa de Crunch. 

Hamburger Helper? Wheat Thins? Diet Soda? Basically anything that comes in a box? Not in our kitchen. Homemade yogurt? Soaked Granola? Raw milk? Absolutely. We make a lot of things from scratch, including face wash and deodorant. We question a lot of conventional medicine. We're generally...different. There are so many reasons for this; we'll get into that later. 

Not only are we crunchy in the "natural, hippie" sense of the word. Our lives are full of Crunch lately. A quick thesaurus search on the word crunch made that pretty clear to us! Some of the words that appeared were: Test, tight spot, economic squeeze, difficult, crux, moment of truth, pivotal moment, decisive moment. We know though, that every crunch makes our love and our faith stronger. We hope that chronicling every crunchy moment here on OCF, we'll be able to look back and see how much the Lord has truly stretched and blessed us along the way. 

We love Jesus like crazy, but only because he loves us. We find all that we need and all that we are in Him. I'm a counselor; hubby's a pastor, (we know...our future kids are going to need some serious therapy). We're graduating from seminary in May, and can not wait to see where our lives take us after graduation. 

*Writing a first blog post is incredibly anxiety producing. You can only have your "first time" once, ya know.