Launching and Longing

We sang this song in church on Sunday, and it has been in my head ever since.

 We have launched into the world of Reproductive Endocrinology, and with each test result and each procedure, this is where I want my heart to be....fixing my gaze on God alone and trusting him completely. My heart longs to be a mother, and only God knows if that will ever happen. 

I will trust him completely. I will mourn the babies that we have lost. I will wait, and I will praise Him. 

Psalm 62 

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
How long will all of you attack a man
to batter him,
like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.
They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths,
but inwardly they curse. Selah
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah
Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.

When A Heart Breaks

When a Heart Breaks- Ben Rector

Woke up this morning

And I heard the news

I know the pain of a heartbreak

I don’t have answers 

And neither do you

I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn’t easy

This isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus

Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor

But what did he say

I knew I was fine about this time yesterday

I don’t need answers

I just need some peace

I just need someone who could help me get some sleep

Who could help me get some sleep

This isn’t easy

This isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus

Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

This isn’t easy

This isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus

Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

Funny that the first time I heard this song, I thought, "Wow...it sounds like Ben Rector had a miscarriage." 

Ben rector didn't*, but I did. 

And though our hearts are broken, we both cherish the 10 weeks we had with that little one growing inside me. We had so much fun telling our families and celebrating Christmas. We dreamt about Christmas 2013, which would have been our baby's first Christmas. December 30 all of our dreams were crushed when we learned that our baby did not have a heartbeat. Three agonizing weeks later, my pregnancy finally came to an excruciating end. A friend of mine said that the moment that you decide to have children your heart is forever changed. My heart is forever changed because of the life and death of our first child.  

The Lord has been so near to us during this time. I have hardly been able to find the words to pray to move toward him, but the beauty of the gospel isn't that I move toward him, it's that he moves toward me in my brokenness. In times when my heart couldn't even form the words, I been lifted by those in my community who have ceaselessly prayed for us. I haven't spent much time in the word in the last few months, but have been more honest and closer to the Lord than I have ever felt.  

 For some reason, God saw fit to have our baby bypass this broken world all together and bring it straight to Heaven. I long for the New Heavens and New Earth where someday I will hopefully meet our child there. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.  

*Ben Rector is married...so his wife might have ha a miscarriage. Or...that song could totally not be about miscarriage at all. For me though, it is.